WHY I AM A MARXIST
As you might have gathered from the title, I am a Marxist. I am proud to be one, but that goes without saying. I wasn’t born one, of course. In fact, like a proper human being I was born without the shackles of ‘isms’. Oh - what a delightful life that must have been, though I don’t remember any of it. What I do remember is going to school for several years. There, of course, I was more interested in marks than Marx, but over the years that interest waned somewhat. For that you can squarely lay the blame on my teachers, (wonderful creatures all) who seemed to believe that marks were something for them to hoard rather than to distribute.
Then after years and years of school, I finally reached college, where to my utter delight I discovered that marks were obsolete, grades were in vogue. I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief it was to be finally rid of marks. I celebrated, in style, and kept on celebrating until one fine spring morning I found, to my utmost chagrin, that grades were based on marks, and marks alone! What rot! It was nothing but a conspiracy! It seemed as if I was destined to a lifelong entanglement with marks.
At that point, as you might well imagine, I was a broken man. I would have done something desperate, but my friends suggested that I ought to visit our college library. It was, after all, supposed to be the best technical library in Asia in those days, and there (they affirmed) I might just about pick up the various techniques of upgrading my marks and thereby markedly improving my grades. I’m happy to say I followed their instructions – I finally visited the library.
That changed my life forever.
Our library, as I have already mentioned, was reputedly Asia’s finest technical library. However, once I was actually inside, I noticed that almost all corners of this fine library was filled with masses of Asia’s finest students. There was hardly a place to sit quietly and contemplate my next step. I was quite amazed to discover that there were so many people in my college, all apparently engaged in learnig techniques to improve their marks. ("Marks" was the opium of the masses, one might say in hindsight.)
And then I saw a large hall that was practically deserted. On inquiry I was told that this was the “Fiction Section”. A technical library with such a large fiction section? I was quite perplexed. The library assistant insisted that this was indeed the fact. So I walked up to a shelf and pulled out a book at random. I noticed that it was first published in 1959, which was the year I was born. It seemed like a sign. I flipped through the pages – one paragraph caught my eye. It started like this:
"Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age."
Wow! Just like me! Wasn't that wonderful! I immediately got the book issued, took it to my room and read it from start to finish. I was hooked for life. The book was called "GROUCHO AND ME", written by Julius Henry Marx, generally known as Groucho Marx. When I returned the book to the library a few days later, I was a confirmed Marxist for life. I attach some of the statements he made during his lifetime. If you read them, you may understand why I am a true blue Marxist.
MARXISMS:
On life in general: Whatever it is, I'm against it!
On Politics: Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
On being offered membership of a "prestigious" club: It is not exclusive enough. I do not want to belong to a club that will accept people like me as a member.
On friendship: No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Toast to women: Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!
On aging: A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
More on aging: Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
On living: I intend to live forever, or die trying.
On dying: I’m not interested in dying. Why, that's the last thing I'll do!
On posterity: Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
On life: Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
On principles: Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
On necking: Whoever named it necking was a poor student of anatomy.
On himself: If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
On success: The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.
On the impact of television: I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
To an irritating interviewer: I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
To a man who irked him: I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
On drinking: I drink to make other people interesting.
On women’s dresses: If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much – just an occasional sun visor.
On marriage: Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?
More on marriage: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
On Hollywood marriages: It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
On divorce: Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
On alimony: Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
On poetry: My favourite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells you something.
On Woody Allen: That kid's so smart, he could be the fifth Marx Brother.
On Vietnam: We should pull out. Which is what Nixon’s father should have done.
On the military: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
On dogs: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
On quotes: Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
His general philosophy in life: Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.
AMEN.
Then after years and years of school, I finally reached college, where to my utter delight I discovered that marks were obsolete, grades were in vogue. I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief it was to be finally rid of marks. I celebrated, in style, and kept on celebrating until one fine spring morning I found, to my utmost chagrin, that grades were based on marks, and marks alone! What rot! It was nothing but a conspiracy! It seemed as if I was destined to a lifelong entanglement with marks.
At that point, as you might well imagine, I was a broken man. I would have done something desperate, but my friends suggested that I ought to visit our college library. It was, after all, supposed to be the best technical library in Asia in those days, and there (they affirmed) I might just about pick up the various techniques of upgrading my marks and thereby markedly improving my grades. I’m happy to say I followed their instructions – I finally visited the library.
That changed my life forever.
Our library, as I have already mentioned, was reputedly Asia’s finest technical library. However, once I was actually inside, I noticed that almost all corners of this fine library was filled with masses of Asia’s finest students. There was hardly a place to sit quietly and contemplate my next step. I was quite amazed to discover that there were so many people in my college, all apparently engaged in learnig techniques to improve their marks. ("Marks" was the opium of the masses, one might say in hindsight.)
And then I saw a large hall that was practically deserted. On inquiry I was told that this was the “Fiction Section”. A technical library with such a large fiction section? I was quite perplexed. The library assistant insisted that this was indeed the fact. So I walked up to a shelf and pulled out a book at random. I noticed that it was first published in 1959, which was the year I was born. It seemed like a sign. I flipped through the pages – one paragraph caught my eye. It started like this:
"Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age."
Wow! Just like me! Wasn't that wonderful! I immediately got the book issued, took it to my room and read it from start to finish. I was hooked for life. The book was called "GROUCHO AND ME", written by Julius Henry Marx, generally known as Groucho Marx. When I returned the book to the library a few days later, I was a confirmed Marxist for life. I attach some of the statements he made during his lifetime. If you read them, you may understand why I am a true blue Marxist.
MARXISMS:
On life in general: Whatever it is, I'm against it!
On Politics: Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
On being offered membership of a "prestigious" club: It is not exclusive enough. I do not want to belong to a club that will accept people like me as a member.
On friendship: No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Toast to women: Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!
On aging: A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
More on aging: Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
On living: I intend to live forever, or die trying.
On dying: I’m not interested in dying. Why, that's the last thing I'll do!
On posterity: Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
On life: Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
On principles: Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
On necking: Whoever named it necking was a poor student of anatomy.
On himself: If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
On success: The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.
On the impact of television: I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
To an irritating interviewer: I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
To a man who irked him: I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
On drinking: I drink to make other people interesting.
On women’s dresses: If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much – just an occasional sun visor.
On marriage: Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?
More on marriage: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
On Hollywood marriages: It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
On divorce: Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
On alimony: Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
On poetry: My favourite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells you something.
On Woody Allen: That kid's so smart, he could be the fifth Marx Brother.
On Vietnam: We should pull out. Which is what Nixon’s father should have done.
On the military: Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
On dogs: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
On quotes: Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
His general philosophy in life: Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.
AMEN.
posted by Haridaspal at 3:32 PM
4 Comments:
Hilarious :))
some more plz!!!
thank you, thank you for collecting these gems at one place. i'm bookmarking this one.
here's another one you might like: "if you don't know how to laugh at yourself, why, i'd be happy to do it for you."
I see you like Groucho Marx! One of the Marxists!
This one's nice too: A man who says he can see through women is missing a helluva lot! (Groucho Marx)
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