Anyone for Tennis?

Tennis is a game, though Tenn is a state. Tennis is in fact a racket sport. It is played on a court, which makes it a royal game of sorts. Royal tennis, though, is a different game. Royal tennis is also called court tennis or real tennis. Tennis is different, though some people say real tennis is different. They call tennis the real tennis and sometimes call it lawn tennis to differentiate it from real tennis. If you find all this a bit confusing, well, never mind, there’s more to come.

As already mentioned, some people call tennis lawn tennis. Then they play it on red dirt (which they call clay) or artificial carpet and such. Only in the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club they still use lawns to play lawn tennis. Otherwise mostly they play lawn tennis away from lawns. To add to the confusion, they have sets within the game and games within the sets. These games within the game have points, which increase in a peculiar manner. During the Wimbledon fortnight, you often reach ‘fifteen all’, which in Paris they call ‘ganza’, which light up a few eyes. Sometimes ‘let’ is called and then they don’t let you play at all. A beginner has a deuce of a time understanding the advantage of the system, which leads to further confusion, but that’s the ‘real’ity of lawn tennis.

Tennis, as we have established, is a game. It is also a spectator sport. The spectators are usually known as ‘rubbernecks’, as opposed to ‘rednecks’ though you could easily become one after watching an afternoon game. These ‘rubbernecks’ spend lots of time (and money) to sit and watch the game unfold and grimly shake their heads from left to right in concert with breathtaking regularity. When they have shaken their heads a lot, they suddenly stop and applaud! The confusion continues.

What is abundantly clear amidst all this confusion is that tennis is a game. Some call it "Jesus’ Game", for it begins with the sombre announcement, "Love All." It is a racket sport, though for some former players like Ilie Nastase and John McEnroe, it was often more racket than sport. Some current players, especially among the women, also make quite a racket while serving. Yes, the game begins when one of the two players serves, while the other stands and waits. To pacify Milton, the player originally standing and waiting is later given the opportunity to serve. The game goes on.

The most disturbing thing about tennis is tennis elbow. This is a disease, a painful disease, made worse when doctors call it epicondilitis. It has become highly contagious – it is now rapidly spreading to other sports. One Indian cricket star’s career has been crippled, while another lost his captaincy and his place in the sun because of this fateful disease. In the good old days, however, tennis elbow only afflicted tennis player. One great champion of the past, Rod Laver, suffered from it until he got treated by a faith healer from the Philippines or thereabouts. Since then people have been known to try faithfully to cure this disease by using a rod as a lever.

Tennis is one game that has both an umpire and a referee. The umpire sits on a high chair and is required to call out the points. Players often dispute those calls. Sometimes the matter is referred to the referee. This is probably the least confusing thing about tennis. Then the umpire calls "Game, set and match" and the players shake hands and go home.

Time to go.